House of Cards

It seems as though life is a house of cards. I struggle to get the pieces lined up. I’m afraid to let go of each card fearing that as soon as I do, it will cave in on itself. Balancing father vs husband, owner vs worker, mechanic, landscaper, handy man, councilor, coach, friend, lover, banker, cook, dishwasher, garbage man and occasionally, even just a passerby; it’s overwhelming. And it seems that I am always running from one to the other trying to shore up the walls of my card house. Constantly in fear that one card will shift just far enough out of place to collapse the whole thing. I shift. I change roles. Always nudging some card back into place and trying not to dislodge its neighbor.

An amazing thing a card house. From the outside, every card looks the same yet from within, each is completely unique. Pressures from without never know what card they effect nor which cards in turn may be effected. Nudge a 2 and a Queen may fall, a King topple or an Ace slide from the table. No one outside can see how it’s been arranged around us; the back of a card is, after all, simply the back of a card. Nor can they see our frantic activity within, the constant propping up of the cards, catching them just before they fall. Quickly, more friend, less accountant; more dad, less coach; more lover, less husband. All of this while living in fear of the random event that will bring it all down around us. The card we can’t nudge back into place, the gust of wind that sweeps it all away.

We go about walking that fine line. Wondering how long we can keep up with it. How long until I don’t have the energy, until I just can’t adjust fast enough to keep it all balanced? How long until it crashes down around me like a house of cards?

Bill Randall 2007